One Week

Today marks the one-week anniversary of a new chapter in my life. One week ago mumsydoodles came home from the hospital. Not only did she come home from the hospital, she placed me in charge of her medications and her checkbook in addition to doctor appointments. I feel the weight of this on my shoulders daily.....what if's run through my mind more than I care to recall. What if I don't give her the right medicines at the right time, if I give her a medicine she usually takes with food on an empty stomach. What if the cause of her hospitalization really was her heart, not the high calcium level, and more harm than good came from her refusal to see the cardiology group that goes to the hospital she was in because of a previous bad experience? What if her confusion was caused by hypoxia and she now has a damaged brain? What if I had taken her to the doctor sooner than I did? What if...

I cannot dwell on what might be, or what may happen if...it is a right here, right now world that we live in. A world where what happens to ourselves or our loved ones is not always fair or deserved. A world where we cry out "Why is this happening to me?" or "I can't take this anymore." A world where there are things we will understand when God is ready to reveal them to us, not when we want them revealed. A world where everyone has a story that says I asked for this, for that, or for the other and the answer I received was yes, no, or not right now.

I am in the not right now stage. I want my mother whole again, to be the competent decision maker she was prior to her illness. I haven't gotten what I've asked for yet and I may never have it answered the way I want it to be, but it isn't going to stop me from asking. Psalm 23:4 says: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...." Notice it says I walk through, not dwell in. What I am learning is that in our dark valley's, God is not ahead of us, he is beside us leading the way and calming fears.

When I think of it in that manner, I find much peace. Simply knowing a peak is coming and I will come to it as a person who is more reliant on God and what he is able to do is what I am finding comfort in. It's a slow climb, and I am very glad I am not making this journey alone.